Humble Pie & Burn Cream

3 Jun

Dear Rich Estranged Lady,

I hope this letter finds you and your family well. I miss my babysitting days with Lisa so badly, she was truly an angel.

I miss that crazy little manipulative eleven year-old.  She was so confident in her manner, definitely always spoke up when something bothered her or when she just wanted to call me a poor bitch who was her slave cos her mummy paid me. Bless her little soul.

I miss how she used to tell me that her cupboard was full of designer clothes that I could only ever dream of owning. She was right of course. Haha, that kid…

I remember last year when I picked Lisa up from school and she had a Christmas Angel. I asked her who it was for and you know what the little treasure answered? It’s for the poor people, you know, like you. Oh haha, that kid cracked me up. And then when I told her to get a taxi home, she said she’d prefer that because my car was an embarrassment. As I said, she’s a barrel-of-laughs and such a sweet girl!

We used to play this little game where she would wait until I had just sat down and then shout orders at me. “I WANT MILK!!!” I WANT A CHAI FUCKING LATTE NOW”. It was great fun. Nearly as fun when we played “How long can Lisa hold her breath in the pool” or “How much Dishwashing powder can Lisa lick before she barfs”.

I remember a particular night I had just sat down and Lisa demanded I get right back up and make her a Soy Chai latte. She didn’t even like chai latte’s-the little tyrant! Nonetheless, I got up and returned with Lisa’s favourite Bratz(how fitting) mug, full of chai goodness. But nooo, your angel had another request, she just loved this game. “I WANT AN APPLE”. She screamed so loudly I figured she must have forgotten I was in the same room as her so I quietly screamed back, “GET YOUR OWN FUCKING APPLE!” She looked like she was going to cry again (I forgot to tell you but I think that child was born with faulty tearducts. She is able to turn them on  and off as she pleases, it is quite distubing and robot-like.) So up I got to get the little angel her apple, and then just as a joke because that’s what we do, I pretended to throw the apple at her head. Alas, the darling jumped up like she had some  rare post-traumatic apple in face complex. Basically a whole lot of piping hot chai latte splashed all over her leg and resulted in a lot of crying( I think those tears were real). I frantically put burn cream on her leg, but she did insist on ringing yourself and sobbing “Alis burnt me, Alis burnt me”. Haha, oh those were the days. I guess she lost that round of the game.

Oh boy, look at me rambling down ol’ memory lane.. I’ll cut to the point.

Despite the fact I burnt your daughter on numerous occasions, had extremely bad thoughts about perhaps leaving her in the cupboard for a few days,  had much fun trying on your $3000 dresses that would most definitely not fit over your fat ass,  kept my mouth shut even when I could visibly see the damage you and your selfish corporate husband are inflicting on your bitch of a daughter, and that I had not one- but two amazing house parties whilst you away including driving your bobcat and drinking your single malt, very expensive, scotch whilst lounging in your pool…….

I’m applying to the university that you just happen to be the Head Chancellor and was wondering if you could look over my application? Thanks so much! : )

As I said, miss you guys and Lisa so much. It was a shame I had many, many other committments on. Give her a hug and kiss, or a punch in the face from me!





5 Responses to “Humble Pie & Burn Cream”

  1. James June 3, 2010 at 8:26 am #

    “Give her a hug and kiss, or a APPLE to the face from me!” – haha!

  2. The Mobile Orifice June 3, 2010 at 12:51 pm #

    OMFG that was one of the best you’ve done. A classic.

  3. yt sumner June 4, 2010 at 3:27 am #

    This made me laugh so hard that a weird snorty sound came out of my nose.

  4. gevauden June 7, 2010 at 11:35 am #

    “Driving your bobcat”
    There HAS to be a good story behind that!

  5. sckgrl April 13, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    I ‘quietly’ screamed back, “GET YOUR OWN FUCKING APPLE!”
    Best line in this!
    Thanks for the wonderful read – made my day.

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