Continuing on my ever-growing list of ways to avoid work, I have come to the office disgustingly hung-over. The gland in my neck feels as if a medium-sized woodland creature has nested in my throat. People have asked if I was in a car accident. HR have asked if I require counselling(they can arrange this free of charge). My favourite colleague asked if I had scurvy and was my bird’s nest hair-do a symptom? How did I get from over there (there being a respectful place in society) to here (AA in the workplace)? I’ll answer as best as my hazy memory allows.
Last night, I reached my friend’s place who was extremely excited to show me the latest item she had chosen to hang on their kitchen wall. A potato sack. But not just any potato sack, this particular one had a hot topless girl printed on it. Potatoes just got their sexy back.
Alis: Wow, where can I get one of these?
Spud Girl: I don’t think they make them anymore. People got all uppity.
Alis: Bloody feminists! They ruin everything good in the world.
Spud Girl: Damn straight. Actually, my friend said it was the Jewish community who weren’t happy.
Alis: Well the Jews and feminists ruined it. For everyone.
Shortly after our potato-sack philosophising, our friend Aaron crashed through the back door. "I got the capsicum!", he declared triumphantly, arm held in the air, showcasing what one can only assume once resembled a green vegetable."I dropped it on the way back, and ran over it with my bike", Aaron explained sheepishly. It looked like he’d dropped it during the running of bulls, but we ate it. For Aaron’s sake.
We also ate lovely BBQ chicken skewers . We ate divine mushroom and roasted capsicum salad with anchovy dressing and we had, of course, potato salad dressed in fresh herbs and crispy bacon. And if my memory serves me correctly- a few bottles of wine.
Next on the agenda, we all hustled inside for a game of Balderdash. You know, the classic board game where everyone gets a word or abbreviation and you get to come up with your own brilliant definitions? For example:
P.H.C.A – Poodles Humping Cats Association
Kawatoniga- Maori term used for when you get sick air on a water doughnut
Barnaby and Me- A spin-off film featuring the captain from TinTin who always shouts "Blisterin’ Barnacles!"
One player who shall be referred to as "Boozehound" took the rules of the game very seriously especially when accused of cheating by throwing in adjectives willy-nilly. So when she lost to our British friend Sara (coincidentally the only sober contender), I think a little bit of Boozehound’s heart broke off and swam away. The game was over and Boozehound needed a – "neat scotch! that’s with no ice, no water just plain scotch YOU FOOLS!" , to commiserate.
Naturally, 5 scotches were poured and Scotch Twister began. Unfortunately I had a reoccurring sports injury (ok I just slept funny which resulted in a nerve tweaking the single worst pain receptor in my brain). Regardless, I was on the bench. I chose to elect myself as the official Twister Water Scotch Girl. Whilst stretched to their limits, reminiscing days when they were younger, nimbler; I would tip scotch into the girls mouths to ensure both hydration and intoxication. I considered getting my video camera out and making some extra money within the Adult Film industry but decided this would escalate me into the "Bad Friend" category.
Balderdash check. Twister check. What next? Why some readings from the "Scouting for boys" book of course! Complete with roleplaying, we were all educated on the ways of life as seen in 1908 by Lord Baden Powell. God bless his heart that man had some forward-thinking for back in the day.
- Suicide: Sometimes one will feel quite sad with life and contemplate killing themselves. This usually goes away in a few days and is more often than not a case of indigestion or influenza.
- Fits: When a man fits, he may foam at the mouth. All good scouts know to place a cork or pebble in the man’s mouth to prevent tongue-biting. Lay him down so that he can have a good sleep whilst fitting.
- Fire Rescue: Grab insensible man’s arms and drag against floor. Remember to keep your nostrils close to the floor to prevent smoke dementing your brain. If the risk is high, come back for insensible man at a safer time.
- Scout Staff: This pointer stick is invaluable for poking things whilst night walking, building a serviceable bridge over a river or building a look-out tower. Also good for carrying insensible men who are injured.
This book is genius and hilarious and now in my top ten books. BP is the man.
Finally (around 3.30am?), we decided to mosey off to our beds/couches/bean bags.
SheScout: Do you think we could skip work tomorrow?
SheScout: Brilliant, I think I have a meeting in the morning but screw them!
Alis: I don’t think my colleagues will even notice I’m not there. The monkey I put in my spot deletes emails, puts my phone on silent. He’s great.
SheScout: I actually believe that you would do that if it weren’t for animal rights. Ok sleep time.arghhhhtoomuchwinearghhhhh
Alis: Yeh damn animal rights groups, they ruin everything. arghhhhdndndnnd. zzzzzzz
Morning arrives. Reality also comes knocking on our very sore heads as we realise we probably should go to work. The main factor being that there is no coffee in the house, and there is an abundance in our workplaces. Perhaps we should have listened to BP when he repeatedly told us "Be Prepared".
Now I am here in the office with a large headache, bloodshot eyes and angry at my caffeine addiction. Sigh.