Clowns are not funny.

15 Apr


Clowns are extremely evil.  Not breaking news, but true and extremely unnerving.

Fortunately (perhaps because I do not own any children and choose to stay well clear of any I know)I hadn’t seen a clown in the flesh for years. Until yesterday. There he was standing on the corner of the street, white-face flaking away. He flashed me his giant red-lipstick coloured smile, somewhat resembling a drag queen with a Botox addiction, followed by a psycho cackle and customary offering of a balloon.

Reminding myself to breathe and that I am now meant to be a grown-woman, I should somewhat act like one, I frantically dismissed his balloon offering and attempted to pass the evil creature. This was the crucial moment – he reached out for my arm. And as I’m sure any reasonable person would, I turned and ran down the street,screaming with my arms flailing in the air. Yes. I’m a pretty cool cat.

Despite the fact my co-worker said the painted freak was merely trying to give me a pamphlet, I am not embarrassed to have taken extra-caution around this so-called ‘Children’s Entertainment". Speaking of which, there is this fucking insane Swiss guy who decided that young children would love to have an Evil Clown at their birthday parties; as if the generic, creepy types aren’t bad enough. Dominic Deville promises to "scare kids senseless" as a birthday surprise. For the parents that aren’t content with only screwing with their kids heads at their parties, do not despair. Dominic promises to stalk their children for weeks leading up to the party including psycho txt messages, phone calls and booby-trapped letters. At least he’s thorough.

How many of those children will end up with a chronic case of Coulrophobia?  This is the psychological term for an abnormally extreme fear of clowns. Completely understandable. Apparently there was not surprisingly an influx of cases reported after the release of Stephen King’s film ‘It’. Also, in July 2006, a 3-day music festival in England had to withdraw a request for festival-goers to come dressed as clowns. This was due to the unexpectedly high rate of festival-goers doubling as coulrophobes.  Oh. My. Lord. Can you imagine a field full of thousands of dancing, most probably drug-induced clowns? This image would be amusing if it wasn’t so goddamn terrifying.

I’m not over-exagerrating here. Clowns are killers. Serial killers in fact. Meet John Wayne Gacy Jr. who was arrested in 1978 for murdering at least 33 young men and burying them underneath his basement. He became known as "Killer Clown" because of the parties he would throw for the neighbourhood children dressed as "Pogo the Clown". Well I’m sorry if that put a dampener on this post, but I felt it necessary to get the point across. Clowns are fucked-up. 

So next time you see a clown and you happen to have a weapon on you(I would recommend flamethrower, AK47 or rocket-launcher), do not stop to think. This part is crucial and where most people hesitate – ending in an untimely death caused by a smiling face painted killer. Don’t stop to wonder if it really is a cute, old man under that cracked face, KILL. And if you are unarmed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with running away, screaming and arms flailing. We have more than enough heroes on this planet, and by-standers will most probably say " Oh look at that cool cat running past".

PS Is this not single-handedly the most disturbing poster you have ever seen???


7 Responses to “Clowns are not funny.”

  1. Nic April 16, 2010 at 11:20 am #

    think iw ould have ran away screaming too, you’re not alone. There is something awful about clowns have you seen Dead silence?? The clown/puppet woman in that is actually terrifying.

  2. gullybogan April 18, 2010 at 8:21 am #

    One of Princess’s schooltime girlfriends turned out to be a clown in real life. We used to have to sit around in her dope-scented flat listening to her and her clown boyfriend recounting their many tales of evil children at birthday parties, giving them a hard time.

    It didn’t fool me for a second. They were both evil, and the kids were just kids being kids.

    “Oh, and this one little prick, he was, like, *13*, and he was all, ‘i can see what you’re doing/that’s not real magic/you’re lame and ghey’, so i took him aside,” [big draw on bong interrupts story momentarily] “and told him i’d shove my fecken clown horn so far up his fecken arse if he didn’t shut the feck up that if i squeezed the hooterball his fecken brains’d blow out…”

    “Yeah, Troy, you sure showed that little prick,” confirmed girlfriend.

    I especially liked the way he used clown jargon, like ‘hooterball’. I think he now works for the NAB or something. The girlfriend is a lesbian lately – not that there’s anything wrong with that – and she works in a pet store.

    So that’s what happens to evil clowns.

    • dreamlivedream April 19, 2010 at 8:30 am #

      Ugh! Bong-smoking clowns are the worrrst. They are evil, and hungry. Really hungry.

  3. Gevauden April 21, 2010 at 6:20 am #

    Who the hell uses CLOWNS to promote anything these days?

    Unless it was some sort of shooting range, where all the targets were clowns. I could see myself supporting that business.

    • dreamlivedream April 22, 2010 at 11:33 pm #

      I think you should pursue this venture, many many people would invest.

      • Gevauden April 27, 2010 at 11:25 am #

        I had no idea the wholesale slaughter of those evil, painted, laughing hellspawn was so popular.
        I perhaps I should start looking for investors…

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