Turtle Urine & the Wild

13 Apr

I watched the film “Into the wild” last night for around the 25th time.

Self-portrait of Christopher McCandless (AKA ALEXANDER SUPERTRAMP)

This film is the true story of Christopher McCandless. In short,  Christopher donated a large chunk of his college funds to Oxfam, adopted the name “Alexander Supertramp” and hiked into the Alaskan wilderness with little food, money or equipment. He craved solitude and quietness from the world and hated societies obsession with material items. Not surprisingly, he was majorly influenced by those writer’s who were infamous for their views on society –   Tolstoy, Thoreau, and Jack London. For the record, I love Leo Tolstoy for the unfaltering compassion shown in his writing towards peasants (me) and hatred of upper class rich folk (not me).

I’ve often thought about following in Alexander Supertramp’s footsteps. Just picking up and going into the wild…I would gladly donate my total savings(currently $3.86 + assets consisting of one snowboard and a large collection of pirated DVD’s from Bali) to Oxfam. I would then pack my backpack with the bare minimum amount of items required to survive. 

  • Instant Coffee (catering sized tin would be ideal)
  • Cigarettes x 10,000 + Lighter
  • Scotch (preferably the oversized bottles seen in Duty Free stores)
  • 400 tins x Spag-o-saurus

Ready to take on nature, I would venture into the wild to fight tigers and lions and bears – oh my! Though because I am in Australia, I would more than likely come across snakes, spiders and the odd camel. Also I hope that Eddie Vedder would extend the same courtesy he did for Alexander Supertramp, and write a number of songs depicting my inner thoughts and feelings. (The soundtrack is so good in Into the Wild, that it’s hard to choose whether to focus on the gripping storyline or the brilliant music crooning away.)

I’m fairly confident that my skills are up to scratch after watching continuous re-runs of “Man vs Wild”. Pee in a rattle snake, then drink it. Eat bugs, lots of them. Turn a dead sheep into a “sheeping-bag” (my personal favourite).  Wrestle a crocodile-then eat it. Drink fecal liquid from elephant dung. Field dress a camel carcass.

Yep, I’ve got all that down pat. Though I must say, Bear Gryll does seem to have an unhealthy obsession with his own body fluids.  Drinking urine is all the rave. But what do you do if you get too hot? Say if you’re walking in the Sahara? Of course! Simply pee on your t-shirt and tie it around your head. Tada! A urine soaked sun-visor per se. 

The funniest story relating Bear Gryll and urine is one he told numerous media sources.

Seriously guys, it's just like a coconut

Firstly- Bear cites the case of 3 Mexican fisherman who whilst stranded in their little fishing boat in the middle of the ocean,  survived solely off turtle blood and urine. 

Next- The 3 Mexican fisherman retaliate to the media by stating they simply ate fish and drank rain water. No turtle juice.

Finally- Bear eats some humble pie, accompanied by a round of warm, salty urine.

My lord, I can get off track easily. One moment I am talking about a wonderful, inspiring film and the next we’re talking about turtle urine.  So after all this urine talk, I’ve decided to stay in society for awhile longer. Whilst talking about this with my old friend she said sagely,  “You are going into the wild Alis. Have you forgotten that you have no idea how to study or write assignments anymore? Uni is going to be a rude awakening for you after living the high and almighty corporate life”. Thankyou for the advice, I shall file it with all the other pieces of  advice you people feel compelled to bestow up me in the frontal lobe of my brain labelled “Stupid Wanker Comments with no merit”.

Now go home and watch Into the Wild. And maybe drink a Pee-na Colada to get into the spirit of, you know, the wild and stuff.


6 Responses to “Turtle Urine & the Wild”

  1. The Orifice April 13, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    Don’t get me started on those adventure types that live in a city yet have all the survival gear for when they go ‘camping’ on the weekend. Even better are the TV hosts that go on about survival in the bush/desert island/whatever. Yet they have a cameraman and the whole kit and kaboodle there. To truly survive they should be given a digicam which is picked up 3 months later if theyve survived….


    PS great post

    • dreamlivedream April 15, 2010 at 7:08 am #

      Brilliant idea! Let’s see how Bear feels about his urine after 3 months.

  2. yt sumner April 14, 2010 at 2:32 am #

    Camping for me is staying in a hotel room without a TV. But damn I liked this piece – especially your backpack list. Brilliant.

  3. shesboxingclever April 16, 2010 at 1:59 am #

    I have a very unnatural attraction to Bear Grylls. I would leave my husband of 20 years for ten minutes alone with that man. It probably borders on stalking…He’s completely fucking insane…not my husband, Grylls. There’s just something fascinating about a man who will do such things merely for the entertainment of others.

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