Did you know that scientists are worried that men are becoming an endangered species? The cause for this worry stems from alarming trends in male fertility rates, birth defects and disorders. Bollocks! I know why male numbers are decreasing rapidly – Skank is back.
Well it never really left, but I have noticed an overwhelming aroma of skank in the air recently. It was particularly formidable on our recent Easter trip to the lake. The hot sun was out, water sparkling, boats purring through the water. Now I’m ninety-nine percent sure that those sounds reacted with the universe and sent a call out to all long-legged blondes within a 100 km radius. Similar to the zombie movies (but far more hotter), they crawled out the ground and started parading towards town. An army of amazon women, spray-tanned and ready to pounce. Cougars have copped a flanking in the media lately, but I have strong suspicions based on nothing but a hunch; the Lake Skanks are chomping their way through the male population.
Commonly witnessed forms of Lake Skank:
Malibu Barbius Extremely common. Only breeds with Malibu Kenitis that own expensive boats (preferably painted in fluro colours and glitter or other homosexual decor). Can be found lounged on back of boat tanning, generally bopping their boobies to Dizzee Rascal, 50 Cent or Pink. Although their brains are quite tiny, they are extremely capable of dazzling prey with their orange tinge, and sparkling white teeth.
Rock Skankitis Instantly recognised by large amounts of ink work on their arms/legs/breasts. Piercings, coloured hair and bad attitude are also key features for these little deviants. Whilst they initially seem to be extremely dangerous and/or related to Satan, they are generally washed-up band groupies who are simply angry at the world. Therefore Rock Skanks offer no immediate threat other than the odd case of chlamydia as a result of sleeping with one too many B-grade lead singers. NB: There have been 2 documented cases where a male has had his penis bitten off, however it is believed that this was intended as an offering for Satan and not a meal.
Amazonites If it seems as though the Lake Skank you are watching has legs that reach the moon, chances are you’ve found a Amazonite. With shining hair as long as their legs, this breed is scarily beautiful. Apart from the constant ‘Jesus, that’s a huge bitch!’ and ‘Woah dude, she must be a swimmer’, they recieve an influx of positive attention from young suitors hoping to bed the enormous beauties. For the few males that have actually secured an Amazonite, congratulations. And commiserations to the many who died trying and got stomped on with a size 13 foot.
Vaginasaurus A long-standing breed; sightings have been increasing every year. This classy strain of Lake Skank enjoys wearing tightly bound, barely existent materials, designed purely for maximum skin exposure. If you do not get a chance to view their vagina throughout the night, wander down the street after closing time around the areas nightspots. You will almost certainly find one residing within a gutter, or sprawled across the street surrounded by brightly coloured vomit. This is where the predator not so surprisingly transforms into the prey. However, remain alert at all times, as the vagina can transform into a man-eating monster at the drop of a hat.
Jailus Baitus Cougars have been known to eat Jailus Baitus for snacks. They look legal. They’re not. Enough said.
So for those of you unfortunate enough to bear the Y chromosome (this is the MALE chromosome for any Malibu Barbius’ reading), you have been warned. Keep flocking to the Lake Skanks like moths to a light, and you will become extinct. I also hear the death is horrible. And for the record, I am not a bitter.