Scurvy; an uncertain death

30 Mar

I’ve been eating oranges for days now. Why you ask? Well my liver-bellied bilge rats, I think I have scurvy. I feel like I am on my death-bed and since I have numerous pirate traits – elite sword skills, rum-guzzler, yelling ‘Arghhhh you Scurvy dogs’ at my colleagues – it only seems fitting to die with a pirate disease. Oh wait, scrap that. I just googled Scurvy and it’s not nearly as mysterious and seductive as it sounds. Oozy spots, spongy gums, loss of teeth. Ok, I don’t have Scurvy.

But I probably do have Myxomatosis. It took my best friend’s rabbits life back in 1992, and I never told anyone but I kissed Floppy goodbye. Even after Mum said if I did, I would be infected and die too (just one of the touching moments we’ve had). Now years later, I can no longer outrun my fate. Oh. Only rabbits can carry the infection? Really? Weird.

Remember Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge? I know I’m not exactly a beautiful and seductive dancer called Satine from Paris but well… she did have a cough. And I have a cough. So odds are, I have consumption. What? Have I coughed any blood? Well no, but Satine was just an attention-seeking, glorified whore.

Black death perhaps? It is a respiratory disease. Christ, it also had a 100% mortality rate, things are looking gloomy. Cause? The Black Death was primarily spread through eating fleas and rats. I am so screwed. A medieval death would be a romantic way to die though. And when I finally pass away, my loyal and handsome lord will be overcome with grief and vow to never bed another lady.

My ignorant Doc: Alis, you’re not dying. You simply have the flu. Go home and rest. Drink lots of fluids (not Scotch) . And stop chain-smoking.

Alis: Bollocks! I am dying, I have this overwhelming sense of calm which tells me I am ready for death. Don’t be upset, I’m not scared.

My ignorant Doc: I’m not scared. You’re fine, now go home to bed.

Alis: Oh, so you’ve just given up all hope? I know death looms on my doorstep but you could at least pretend to want to help me.

My ignorant Doc: It’s not even a virus, you don’t need anything except water, rest and a hot cup of tea.

Alis: Call the priest for me, so I can have my final prayers.

My ignorant Doc: Seriously, get out my office.

Alis: No drugs?

My ignorant Doc: (Sigh) Here’s a script for antibiotics, and another one for Valium. Knock yourself out.

Alis: Cheers.

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3 Responses to “Scurvy; an uncertain death”

  1. Frisky Librarian March 31, 2010 at 12:10 am #

    I hope you don’t die. You’re funny.

  2. gullybogan March 31, 2010 at 12:59 pm #

    I have relatives on both sides of the family who survived the Black Death, so i’m going to encode my immunity to Black Death in this comment, for you to upload to your own immune system. Ready?

    BY39D-E8J8W-MS8Y3-PQ9U7-TR3DE

    I think that’s the immunity code. Either that or it’s a serial key for Windows XP. Try it anyway.

    Plus my relatives with the immunity lived about three hundred years ago, so it may have worn off a bit.

    Still, worth a try.

    • dreamlivedream April 6, 2010 at 12:02 am #

      Thanks Gullybogan. I am now fully recovered, and only missing one limb which will now be replaced with a wooden one.

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