Giant Cigarettes & MC Hammer

10 May

I have listed below a number of events that have occurred recently at work. I am beginning to think I may be “dismissed” before I even get the chance to skip up to my boss’ desk and hand in my resignation.(FYI: 30 days and counting…)

1. Whilst returning from making my 15th coffee for the day, stop past my co-workers desk. Speak about pressing issues such as what we’re doing on the weekend, the shitful standard of food the canteen presented for lunch, what an arsehole Sandra Bullock’s husband is, and the logistics of trafficking cocaine into the workplace so that we can both raise our wages to ‘standard’. Somehow, somewhere toward the end of this conversation, I decide to break into a little dance which involves singing MC Hammer’s – ‘Can’t touch this’, and slapping my rear. Director of company walks past, confused and slightly irritated. I don’t know if it was the move I was busting, or my chosen outfit of large MC Hammer pants and corporate suit jacket, however he did not look overly impressed.

2. Email ex-employee overseas. Tell her about my grand plans on returning to study. Received this email this morning:

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK! Alis, I’m sooooo stupid!!!! I just realized that I’ve sent the email which was supposed to be a response to your last email also to James, Virginie and Sara! I’m sooo sorry I just clicked on the reply button and when I realized that the email goes to everyone it was too late!!!! I’m so sorry!

I mentioned that you want to go back to Uni and leave work! Shit!!!! Can you go and see James and tell him that I was wrong or something? I’m sure he won’t tell anyone! I will write him an email as well! That’s what happens when you use work emails! I hope you are not angry, OMG!

Let me know what happened! I hope no one will say anything or tell anyone! So sorry babe!

James works for our company. In Human Resources.

3. Arrive at work around 45 mins late as per normal. I may be tardy, but I am most certainly consistent. After morning coffee is made, emails checked and facefuck stalked, I proceed making group bookings for the winery tour I have organised this weekend for a group of friends. Ensure I look extremely busy whilst boss walks past as I am busily faxing off forms (to wineries, bus companies etc). I’ve mastered this non-working business…

Senior Idiot: So Alis, now I understand.

Alis: Yeh, well it’s been a lot of work but I finally got that report wrapped up. Sorry I just didn’t have the time to attend that meeting this morning.

Senior Idiot: What I meant was, I understand why you turn up late everyday with bloodshot eyes. You’re an alcoholic…

Boss places “Fax Confirmation” form on desk, containing winery booking dates.

I ponder for the next 4 hours until home time if he is referring to this, or if he somehow knows about my personal challenge to self to consume 4lt of cask wine each night for the past month.

4. Co-worker decides to quit smoking. Co-worker acts is quite chuffed with their efforts and decides to be a complete knob for weeks on end by telling me that I should quit too. I blow smoke in his face and tell him to piss off. After 4 weeks of pain, I discover co-worker outside sucking down a cigarette. Ha! So naturally I decided to make a ‘welcome-back-to-smoking’ present. My boss felt this was “non-compliant”.

5. Metallica presale. Limited seats, millions of fellow Australians going crazy trying to secure their seats to this rare show. Naturally this took precendence over any work from around 10am-12am. “Fuck, fuck fuck!!! This thing keeps timing out!!” “What thing Alis?”, comes an irritated call from the senior idiot’s office. “Uhhh, the internal purchasing program. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out. Cos that’s the sort of proactive employee I am !” 1 hour later and I still don’t have tickets. We can’t miss out on this show, it’s Kirk’s birthday and he always gets cream-pied – something that everyone should see before they die. Right, time to call in the troops as I instruct my co-workers to start logging in on their computers. “What? You’re in the middle of something?” “I.Don’t.Give.A.Fuck- LOG ON NOW!!!!!”. Yes!!! I finally got in, what the hell is this timer thing down the bottom? 2 mins to finalise purchase or I lose tickets. Fuck, fuck fuck. Ok, breath Alis.

Enter Boss sitting on desk. “So Alis, I’ve been thinking about the marketing strategy for Quarter 3…” I turn to face him, whilst clicking psychotically at my mouse. 1.35 minutes to go. Hurry up, senior idiot and finish your little rant so I can secure these damn tickets. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no room for politeness here. I must end this Metallica mayhem right now. ” Look sir, I’m really sorry but I’ve got 2 mins to lock down these Metallica tickets. It’s Kirk’s bday. I’ll come see you in a bit ok?” Senior idiot looks flabberghasted and a deeper shade of aubergine than normal but I’ve pissed him off so much he walks off without a word. Right. With that settled, I now have 34 seconds to book these tickets….

So in reflection of these past few weeks, I’ve come to the very depressing realisation that I must knuckle down as I cannot afford to be fired prior to quitting. It would take away all the fun of resigning! Months spent on a highly thought out plan which involves walking into his office in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume with large samurai sword, slamming my resignation down and declaring, ” I’m going to work with Splinter the Rat because he has offered me a world of knowledge and endless supply of pizza. Two things this company cannot give me.And I have been promised the auspicious title of ‘Hero in a Half Shell’ which quite frankly shits all over my current role.” Or something along those lines…

My future colleagues. Radical.

4 Responses to “Giant Cigarettes & MC Hammer”

  1. Wicked Shawn May 10, 2010 at 11:48 am #

    Ok, but did you get the tickets??????

  2. James May 11, 2010 at 3:23 pm #

    Awesome! I saw them over here (England) last year and was damn amazing! Got ‘Rage Against The Machine’ next month and I did the same thing to get those tickets at work hitting refresh till I got through.

  3. yt sumner May 12, 2010 at 4:00 am #

    You are freaking hilarious and strange and wonderful. This killed me.

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