Decimals & Yellow Submarines

5 May

We all make mistakes at work, some more than others. It’s simply programmed into our feeble human minds. I love the term ‘human error’ -often quoted by myself with a sanguine smile after I’ve irrevocably lost the company a large amount of money, or similar.

Dear Friend,

Can you please send me 2 paddles via express post asap? I am once again in shit creek. And I fear I may not escape this time. I am going to die an untimely death in a creek full of faeces.

Sincerely,

Alis AKA Employee of the Month

 

Dear Alis,

I would send you some paddles, however I too am floating down shit creek as we speak. I just sent the wrong contract to the wrong client. This equals extreme badness. What did you do?

Regards,

Your fellow faeces floater.

  

Dear Floater,

Long story short, a little decimal point decided to jump one across on my spreadsheet. Instead of ordering $15,000 of crap, I may have ordered $150,000. I hate that decimal fucker.

Regards,

Fucked.

 

Dear Fucked,

Oh dear.

Regards,

Feeling-a-lil-better-about-my-mistake-now.

Yes, my friends. I am a genius. In the times of a GFC, I may or may not have over-ordered around $135,000 worth of stock. Fortunately, my excellent liaising/bribery skills managed to get me out of this sticky little ‘situation’, and my co-workers remain unaware. Fools! What did I learn today? That a box of cuban cigars and 3 top-end strippers can undo any mistake. Every time? Absolutely.

Surely people have made bigger mistakes than I? It is highly likely there’s a large cluster of people currently floating down Shit Creek right this minute, fervently praying that an oar drops out of the sky so they can paddle their way back to society. Naturally, I did what always makes me feel better, I googled the shit out of my computer. AND found millions of people who had made far worse mistakes than me. And thus, my defense was formed for when I am called into the senior idiot’s office later.

Meet Gray Powell. Gray is an Apple Software engineer. He also loves beer. So when he decided to head out to the local German beer-garden for a few brewskies… Well he kinda forgot he had the latest prototype on him for the next generation iPhone.  Needless to say, Gray got wasted and hooked up with some dude in the toilets. Meanwhile, outside in the Schnitzel Beer Garden a random beer guy possibly named Günter picked up the “highly confidential” prototype. 24hrs later it was being dissected for the world to see on the online techblog – Gizmodo.  The Apple Internal Investigations team told Gray not to worry, as the smell of Chloroform wafted toward his nostrils…

Here’s another example. A few years back, flights were delayed in LAX Airport for 2.5 hours. The head honchos ran around like chooks with no heads, determined to somehow restore order. (As all good managers know, running around with your arms above your head screaming is sure to bring a sense of calm to both your employees and customers.)  But alas! Despite their advanced people management skills- mayhem took over, complaints reached record levels and at least 6 staff members walked out screaming “Fuck this place!”. What caused all of this? An internal IT program has unexpectedly crashed, causing the runway to freeze. No planes in or out folks. How had it happened? One very quiet employee in the corner of the room raised his shaking arm. “I may have knocked a switch, whilst cleaning down here. I am so very sorry.” Herbert sacrificed his first-born child to the LAX Board of Management and all was forgiven.

But this? I’m sorry but this makes me look like Employee of the Month. Like a fucking angel god. In 1961, Mike Smith and Dick Rowe from Decca Records were asked to view a new and upcoming band. Mike Smith loved them. Dick Rowe said quote: “Not to mince words, Mr.Epstein, but we don’t like your boys sound. Groups are out; four-piece groups with guitars in particular are finished.” The boys in this band released a tribute to Dick Rowe – “Love me do” under their new record company. Years later, John Lennon was quoted saying: “We’re more popular than Jesus now”. And arguably they were.  Cop that,Dick.  Dick now lives in a Yellow Submarine, repeatedly hitting his head against the wall. Dick.

It’s hard to pinpoint if my teeny, insignificant mistake was caused by lack of sleep, motivation or sobriety. Either way, I hate that fucking decimal point. All innocent and round. And incredibly shit.

Dear Alis,

Contract dilemna sorted. Both contracts met their fate – in the paper shredder. I’m now free to come rescue you from Shit Creek if you’re still floating around?

Regards,

Your Brilliant Friend.

 

Dear Brilliant Friend,

No need my dear ! As always, cigars and strippers have saved the day. We should celebrate by smashing a champagne bottle over a baby’s head. Or a boat, whatever tickles your fancy.

Cheers,

Alis.

7 Responses to “Decimals & Yellow Submarines”

  1. gevauden May 5, 2010 at 4:02 am #

    Man, if someone sent me cigars and strippers every time they screwed up I would be opening “Gev’s Giant Cigar Emporium (now with strippers!)” after approximately 2 days. After a month I would control all the world’s cigar and stripper supplies, possibly becoming some sort of cigar-and-stripper-themed super villain.

    • dreamlivedream May 10, 2010 at 3:22 am #

      Excellent! Lex Luther would be extremely jealous of the new Super Villain on the block, strippers on each arm, smoking away on a cuban…

    • dreamlivedream May 10, 2010 at 2:05 am #

      Er no. But I wish I had, it could be my ‘claim to fame’
      Ps I resent you indicating I have fat fingers.

  2. pienbiscuits May 7, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    That is excellent stuff. I’m so glad I don’t work in an office full time.

    That decimal point is very dangerous. They really should give training before people are let loose with that thing. Who knows what could happen if it accidentally goes off!

    • dreamlivedream May 10, 2010 at 3:22 am #

      Haha I think @theorifice’s example is clear evidence of this.

  3. Cindy May 9, 2010 at 12:08 am #

    Great points! I will be checking back here often!

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