Porn Injuries and Flowerbeds

21 Apr

I walked into the office today with a slight spring to my step. Whilst spending the morning as I normally do – googling, blogging and facefuck-stalking, I eagerly anticipated my monthly dose of humour. The OHS monthly meeting minutes.

I am happy to report that there were over 41 incident reports in Q1! Brilliant. Thankyou to all the floundering, falling clutzes who make my ribs ache with laughter each month. It’s like my own little “Australia’s Funniest Home Video’s ” distributed to my inbox.

Let’s see what accidents we had this month…

  • Hit head on phoneholder in meeting room- Lacerated head
  • Armaguard security officer leant on front counter- Electric Shock
  • Dropped wallet under desk- Foreign bodies in eyes (well this is highly suspicious)
  • Reached down to pick up apple core and chair legs broke- unmentioned injuries ( I fear death for this fumbling fruit-eater)
  • Slipped on a flowerbed – Right knee bruising
  • Slipped and hit finger – Sore finger (No-one likes a sore finger. It’s annoying, and tends to make one grumpy)

  • Tripped on raised floor- cut/bruised cheek, elbow and knee (This is both unfortunate and hilarious. I think I mistook this person last week for an abused wife)

  • Walked up and down stairs- Lower back strain (No! I will not make any fatty jokes. You people disgust me)

  • Mild allergic reaction possibly due to food consumption (most probably from cafe, I also fear death for this pleb)

These are actual incident reports reported within our prestigious company.

So, someone trips on a flowerbed. They in turn lodge a lengthy file to their manager detailing crucial information such as did the daffodils bully the victim prior to falling? Were any rhododendrons injured during the fall?

This report then goes to the OHS department where their beady little eyes light up,this is their chance to shine! Fluro jackets on, they march out to the danger zone, nuclear packs in tow. Just in case the daffodils choose to attack again.

The hazard area is then assessed and evaluated. Another report is filed. Bulk weedkiller is bought and used. Flower bed hazard removed from premises. Daffodils protest all over the world.

This report is entered into the Hazard Analysis reporting system, along with the original Incident Report and a proposal for an Anti-Flowerbed policy to prevent further floral carnage. And after being reported at the monthly meeting, they conveniently end up in my inbox. For my (and now your) enjoyment.

I have a very faint and hazy memory that keeps popping up. In the midst of all these life-threatening hazards and consequential reports, aren’t we supposed to be supporting our customer network and ultimately making money? Or maybe I just smoked too much crack last night.

So with 2 hours to go, I am off to report my latest incident. You see, my friend sent me a rather obscene email which I can’t even bring myself to explain here. Nonetheless, this emailed forced me to propel backwards in my chair, mouth hanging open (some girls will do anything to get on the net). Don’t worry I’m fine, but my co-worker who I rocketed into with my chair, he’s not so good. I tried to show him the email to ease his pain but he seemed more interested in the alarming amount of blood he was losing. So being the compliant employee that I am, I have left him on the floor as I am most definitely not a first-aid worker. Once I have lodged the correct paperwork they can come for my poor office-chair roadkill and hopefully revive him.

Can’t wait to read about this one in the next OHS monthly meeting minutes, you fluro idiots.

8 Responses to “Porn Injuries and Flowerbeds”

  1. suyeonb13 April 21, 2010 at 11:48 am #

    Hahah I really enjoyed your post :)
    I like your descriptions in the parentheses!

  2. shesboxingclever April 22, 2010 at 1:49 am #

    That was bloody awesome!
    Any dude not distracted by porn is a waste of space anyways. I think you should have wheeled back and forth over him a few times, just to get your point across. And to teach him not to be such a pansy in the first place…what’s a little blood? Rub some dirt in it, you’ll be fine!

    • dreamlivedream April 22, 2010 at 11:31 pm #

      My thoughts exactly! I’ve been forwarding porn to him every half hour, just for being such a pansy. His head may spontaneously combust any moment.

  3. kaostheory April 22, 2010 at 6:10 pm #

    The fact that this is tagged with bestiality AND facefuck basically tells me all I need to know about the email. Still, amusing.

    • dreamlivedream April 22, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

      You’d be surprised how many people search for those tags… ; )

  4. jezza11 April 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    Excellent post.
    I used to work for a mining company. Amuses me no end the excitement that ridiculously trivial incidents cause! … Not to mention the data we can collect and analyse to set ourselves new safer targets!

    • dreamlivedream April 28, 2010 at 11:27 pm #

      Your old work would have been a gold mine for our dear OHS guys! (pardon the terrible pun…)

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